SMG-Unit is Movin' on Up in the Playoffs!

Dearest SMG-unit,

Tuesday night SMG-Unit and its small army stuck it to Sparkle.  Again.  For the third time.  Seriously, did we play anyone else this season?  Carry on.  The score was 13 or 14 or 15 against two.  I've asked around and nobody knows for sure so whatever.  A lot to a little.  Winners!

Injuries were abound Tuesday night.  Early on, Meganwas duped by her CTA card and went ricocheting off the turn style en route to a southbound red line train.  She recovered nicely and trekked on to the game.  Once the game began, an elementary mistake was made by an opponent on the Sparkle side.  OMG, NEVER EVER EVER THROW YOUR BAT.  There was a brief delay of game as catcher Theresa "Dot" Voyles (not sure how to refer to myself here) knelt on the ground and said cuss words while her right shin swelled.  It was a mere flesh wound (or deep pulsing bruise?) that required a later icing from a bag of frozen California vegetable medley.

Jason pitched five shut out innings of spectacular slow pitch, blowing the ball by hitters and shutting down Spark.  John came in for some relief work and gave up only two runs (Ryan Franklin 2011 style).  Although Jason was initially upset by this turn of events, Durbin and the defense held on in the sixth and seventh.

13/14/15 runs scored in a game obviously means big hits.  Special props to the ladies of G-Unit, especially Brittany and Nikki, with some solid pieces of hitting that allowed us to take a commanding lead in the late innings.  As the third baseman from Spark was quoted saying, "mother f@&%er.  Your girls have had more hits this game than our team has all season."  Rock on.  Claude also, once again, had claim to an easy out homerun® that put a few on the board.   Jason continued the spree with a triple-like hit that caused the bench to scream "STOP!" then "PLEASE STOP!" and finally ended with third base coach, Collin, tackling Jason to stop his determined sprint.  Something like that.  Steve a.k.a. "Turtle" continued the trend of refusing to stop at third base (started by Jason and an overrun by Scott) and made the bench a little nervous.   Typically, "OH SHIT!" is not yelled on the base path between third and home but because he scored, we will let it go.

One of the best moments of the game came when Megan was tossed (we wish) from the game after making a web gem play at first, only to be refused the call by the ump.  "YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME?! C'MON" and some other words were exchanged as she charged home.  (It was kind of like this.)  There must be something in the water on the search floor.  Oddly enough, Jeff "Yanks" kept it quiet on the other side of the diamond.  When we questioned his lack of verbal back up, he replied "every time I do that you guys get mad at me."  Yanks then came back to normalcy by completing a double play to end the game, sprinting off the field and up the hill, and declaring "fuck class!"  Yes, we are G-Unit and class is overrated.

We followed up with an after party at Bar Louie highlighted by chewy $1 burgers and watching the National League win its second All-Star Game in a row.  Take that, AL!  (To anyone that does not know - the AL has won seven of the last two years...that extra was a tie.)  Overrated fact.

The playoffs continue in another lifetime on Saturday, August 20th.  Scott added a Lotus invite but please keep it on your mind.  We may be practicing in between this time so keep those arms warm and stretch those hammies.  Updates to come!

Deuces!
Dot

This e-mail was brought to you by the letter T for Theresa, [hangin'] tough, and a tumor.  It's not a toomah!

G-Unit makes sauce of the Bad Apples. (Ya, I went there.)

Chapter three of my weekly softball e-mail.

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Hey guys!

Here's your recap e-mail.  Sorry it's late, I was "working" this morning.  Overrated.

Tuesday night was the "last hoorah" for the G-Unit's regular season and it did not disappoint.  Highlights include stellar defense, key hits, and the opportunity to use "dry hump" in context.  Overall, a success.

After Sam stripped down to boxers and changed into gym shorts in the middle of Grant Park (really, Sam?) G-Unit took the field to take on its office building rivals, Bad Apples.  Already bitter about losing a top shelf bottle of tequila, exiting captain Scott led the game off with a solo HR over the right field intern's head.  That shot set up momentum maintained throughout the night.  Claude's now trademarked "easy out Grand Slam" delivered the dagger G-Unit needed and lifted the crowd from their seats.  He followed it up with a strike out...nevermind.  Not important. 

G-Unit also delivered seven innings of fantastic defense.  One of the best moments came late in the game, with a textbook run down that was so perfect it would make your Little League coach cry tears of joy.  With a [probably illegal] pinch runner on third, the Bad Apples were looking to tighten our lead.  Making a heads up play at pitcher, Jason faked the throw to first and looked to silent Jeff to apply the tag.  Yenks got the runner in a pickle, tossed it to Colleen and, like an overly competitive game of monkey in the middle, threw it back to Jason who ended it all by making the tag.  For anyone who didn't follow that, Jason > Yenks > Colleen > Jason.  Out.  Also, a big hoorah to the G-Unit outfield that kept the ball in front and just overall kicked ass.  Especially the fitting last out of the last regular season game, a catch by coach.

Perhaps the most athletic moment of the night came when the team redneck, Jason, ran the approximate 1.1 miles (and 1.1 back) to the Old Navy on State St. to purchase a pair of shorts to replace his man-pris.  I need a running buddy, let me know if you're available.

In the end.
1.) We won
2.) There was Old Style in the dug out
3.) Nobody was hurt/killed in a unnecessary tackle at home plate
4.) Katie brought a male friend to hang out and then give her beer after the game!  Gentlemen, take careful notes of this behavior.
5.) While it wasn't Jock Jams (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0P9HCPAEc48), our warm up music was Interpol opening for U2.  That's kind of cool too.

Next week is playoffs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7fjDS0jKiE&NR=1).  Traditionally it's not our greatest showing, so let's get ready to win next week too!

If you need some additional motivation, this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6wRkzCW5qI) does not disappoint.

Have a great rest of the day!
- Dot

Everything we do, we do it big. G-Unit Style.

The second edition of my weekly softball e-mail.

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Hey G-Unit,

Tuesday night's rematch against estrogen fueled  rival, Booty Pants, translated into another W for SMG-Unit.  With a motivating pep talk by returning fearless leader, Scott, and the encouraging screams of "LET'S DO THIS" from John, the G-Unit took the lead early and held on throughout the game.  After the dust cleared, we emerged the winners in a 9-4 victory.  Fortunately for everyone (except this beat writer's willingness to embarrass you publicly) the night went rather smoothly.  There was little confrontation, our umpire was sober and capable, and there weren't any controversial plays that led to us losing our shit on the field.  Props to the team for hitting a number of line drives, keeping up the stellar defense, and overall proper softball mechanics.  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkRVTBsl1zk)  Big things happen.

Big thanks to Alycia and Nikki, G-Unit's Tuesday night best-dressed cheerleaders, for keeping the beer cold and cheering us on to a win.  Also, for presenting the methodology behind "food naming" and "Biggie Smalls."  http://tomhaverfoods.com/

After the game, we headed to Bar Louie for celebratory $1 burger night (tots & fries are $3 extra - you've been warned).  The patio was going fantastic and the night air crisp until dark clouds began to roll across the skyline.  Proud and unafraid, G-Unit drank its draft specials and stared the storm in the eye (it was kind of like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_pN312Te98).  That lasted all of 10 minutes before we headed inside for shelter.  (It was exactly like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYg-LtUxhcE).

After Bar Louie we parted ways, but only after Stevewas groped and prodded by a 20-year-old wearing striped J. Crew shorts and boat shoes.  According some whacked out Trib survey based on creeptastic Craigslist Missed Connections, the Red Line is the most romantic of all train lines.  Steve proves it's true.  (http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2010-09-30/news/ct-talk-romantic-trains-1001-20100930_1_romantic-train-brown-and-purple-lines-cta-s-red)

Reminder, we have next week off for the All-Star game.  Everyone enjoy your July 4th weekend!

Keepin' it real with the whole sha-bang-a-Bang (one bang),
Dot

G-g-g-g-Unit Steamrolls to a Victory

I was recently promoted to the official beat writer for my company 16" softball team and I am sharing this e-mails.  Last names and companies have not been included to protect the innocent.

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Hey G-Unit,

Apparently it's bad protocol to lie to the Tribune (lame) so today you get a two-in-one package of last night's scouting report.  First, the original hoax e-mail created to piss off our fearless leader and second, how awesome we are.  Enjoy.

E-mail one, the hoax.

The night was cool and the mountains on the Coors Lights blue as G-Unit rolled into Grant Park to take on sister agency, Booty Pants.  After a slightly awkward delay, involving a lack of Booty Pants, the game got going albeit only after the umpire drank 1.5 boxes of Jewel brand Cabernet.

Filling in as interim coach, Sgt. John I, led the team to an initial destroying of its competition.  Our feet were swift, our bats were mighty...then it came crashing to a halt.

Jeff, always one to keep it humble on the field, began a controlled argument with the seemingly drunk umpire.  Words were exchanged and a slight physical altercation occurred.  Jeff will be back next week pending physical examination of said umpire.  The rest of the game unfolded in Bad News Bears fashion as the Unit fell 15-17 after a slight massacre in the fifth.  Fortunately, casualties were few.  Resident lefty, Collin, was seen mumbling "don't text us about the lineup when you're on vacation...bull shit" as he threw the blue binder to the ground in disgust.  First base(wo)man, Colleen "Swissbeatz" was personally offended by the lack of hustle, proclaiming it for all of Grant Park to hear.

The Unit then drowned their sorrows in some post-game drinks at Shenanigans, followed by some Jennifer Grey dirty dancing at the Hangge Uppe. 

Also, if anyone has seen Gerard please let us and/or his family know.  He was last seen at Big Shitty at 3:17 a.m.
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E-mail two, the fun ruining real one.

SMG-Unit showed what they were made of Tuesday night in Grant Park.  In reference to above, there was a delay and the umpire was probably intoxicated.

After some shaky innings, the G-Unit prepared to kick ass and take names in the 6th inning by bringing the game within one.  In the 7th, the levy broke and the Unit took back what was rightfully theirs.  Starting with Jason's momentum changing, close single at the top of the inning things could only go up from there.  The Unit went on to smack the ball around the field for awhile, get aggressive on the bases, and trigger a gratifying Spark defensive meltdown.  Seven runs later, the dust cleared and G-Unit was victorious in a 14-8 W.

Proud interim coach, John I, was in tears after the game and wiping his eyes behind his bifocals.  It's possible that it was joy or that he was still embarrassed about his early wipe out in center field.  Because we "will never speak about this again" (his words) we may never know.

Highlights of the night were plentiful including Jon's excellent back up in right field (we're contesting that call), Turtle's triumphant return to the mount and mid-inning grass relaxation, and the multiple base hits by the G-Unit ladies.  Even quiet Jeff lasted a full 7 innings without any major altercations.  I guess having a girlfriend does calm you down. - http://www.cosmopolitan.com/quizzes-games/online-quiz/cosmo_quiz_are_you_ready_to_settle_down

Enjoying the victory, the team turned to one of the favorite parts of the night...killing the case of beer.  Claude and Sam competed in a photo finish shot gun competition.  Replay video is still pending but a repeat in Starbar will be held later this afternoon.  Lotus invites to go out shortly.

Finally, props to Nikki for fending off the umpire's advances at catcher.  He actually asked for your number after the game...I gave him Scott's.

Until next time G-Unit!  All we do is win!
Dot