Best Onion Article (Ever).

I would like to thank Mr. Lynn, my high school English teacher, for supporting my love of satirical writing. When done correctly, it's terrific and (for me at least) is my favorite form of creativity. On the flip side, poorly executed satire is about as much fun as crossing Michigan Ave. In front of a speeding cab.

I am a huge fan of the Onion. Although I consider myself a nice person I do enjoy making fun of ignorance, current events and the general population on a daily basis. So the article Nation's Morons March on Washington State definitely made my day.

The fact there is someone that probably can't locate D.C. on a map saddens me. You know those people. They are the same ones that call the Spanish language "Mexican" and can't tell you why a Muslim is different than a Saudi Arabian. They wear fanny packs and high socks and go to Six Flags on vacation. Sometimes they even go on anniversary dates and propose in chain restaurants, like Chili's. If they feel particularly worldly then they visit Olive Garden for Italy's finest cuisine. (For anyone that hasn't been to Italy, Olive Garden sucks.)

These people are represented by Miss F-ing Teen USA from South Carolina. God bless the "U.S. Americans."

It's not that all of these people are completely stupid, even Jerry Falwell started a university and that guy is a nutter. One of my facebook friends, since deleted from my mini feed, posted a largely political post that ended with "I would like to buy an island and start our country over again. Who's with me??!?" All I could do was sigh.

I hope he marches to Washington state soon.

Ode to the NBA Season Kick Off!

NBA season starts today with Cavaliers vs. Celtics. Nevermind that I haven't been a huge NBA fan since the '91 to '98 Bulls dynasty (despite MJ's stupid I-want-to-try-baseball! move). In celebration I give you one of my favorite youtube videos with the line, "Our economy's based on Lebron James!"

My Dearest Falcon - Letter Two

Falcon Heene
The Box in the Attic
Colorado

Falcon,

You are a horrible liar and you threw up on television. I hope the producers of Wife Swap find you a nice foster family. Probably some hippie family that grows organic food or maybe a nice fascist family living in the Appalachians. Good luck because I will completely forget you by 2010.

All my love,
Theresa

"Mommy get off facebook and play with meeee!"

When I entered the realm of facebook, about five years ago, life was simple. Essentially I wrote on my friend's walls, creeped on the guy I met at last Saturday's frat party (hot sophomore!) and maybe my profile picture was me dominating a beer bong. Okay, guilty on the last one.

Facebook has imploded. There are apps and photo albums and Bejeweled and something called Mafia Wars and people throwing sheep. Some of the most pathetic sentences of my life have been uttered in the last few months concerning that stupid Farmville application.

Exhibit A: Ryan's birthday weekend. Ryan: "Theresa, we've gotta go." Me: "Hold on, one more level and I can grow aloe vera." Ryan: "That's the worst thing I've ever heard."

Exhibit B: "Casey, hold on. I have to harvest my duck!"

But why am I ridiculing myself? I have others to roast.

Facebook moms. Not the moms and dads that influenced myparentsjoinedfacebook.com. This is an amazing blog that chronicles the fails of parents and I, humbly, linked it to my submission on that site.

I'm talking about recent moms. Moms my age, my high school classmates. When did having a kid make you such a boring sociopath? Nobody is denying these kids are capital A-dorable but you are blowing up my mini feed with statues like: "Ok I thought baby brain was supposed to stop after you have the baby. Obviously its still with me...When will I get my old brain back?!?!"

I don't even know what that means but it sounds weird. I read one the other day about possible postpartum depression and scoffed. Said mommy was sad and "I've cried six times before noon!!!!"; the comments following are other young moms telling her that it's perfectly okay! The status about where to send your kid to high school...he can't even freaking TALK YET. Is this the person you become as a 24-year-old mother? If so, plan my pregnancy for the next social media craze.

I am all for social networking and even seeking advice through the internet. However, your facebook status should not be used as a self help message board. Sharing photos of your first born is great but I'm still wary. Especially if the kid's head is lopsided. I, personally, feel awkward seeing the progressive aging of a former co-worker's child when I haven't seen the mother in years.

So do me a favor - keep your lamaze/creepy hospital delivery/up all night because of crying stories out of the public eye. Some day your child will be happy that 481 of mommy's friends did not watch him grow up on the Internet.

An Open Letter to Falcon Heene

Falcon Heene
The Box in the Attic
Colorado

Dearest Falcon,

It seemed only yesterday [it was] that I used my lunch break to run some errands. When I came back to my desk, hardly an hour later, I received frantic gchat messages. "DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BALLOON KID?!?!!? HE FLEW AWAY IN A BALLOON IN HIS PARENT'S YARD!!!" I was confused to why any family, besides one in the circus, would have a multi-colored balloon with a wicker basket in their front yard. Yes, this is what I envisioned.

I am so sorry Falcon. I mistook your family for some circus freaks when, in fact, they are extra terrestrial/science loving/Wife Swap freaks. I will never make that mistake again. If I was the child of your parents I would also run away and can only blame you for not running far enough. A box in the attic? What were you going to do when you were hungry? Did you at least bring some Crustable sandwiches? Stupid move, Falcon.

I did enjoy watching you throw up on the Today Show this morning. If you missed it, please relive it using this link. You're an Internet celebrity you know. Your brother looking grossed out is at 5:15. You tossing your cookies is about the six minute mark. BLEEECCCCCH!!!!!

You made my rainy October Thursday afternoon and Friday morning a little bitter brighter. I hope you accomplish great things in your life. Whether you build a super sonic jet for passenger use or develop a cure for a rare genetic disease just know that it doesn't matter. You are the balloon kid who never rode in a balloon. You hid in a box. We salute you.


Sincerely,
Theresa


Below is the best facebook status thread...ever. Balloon Boy Gets the Fresh Price Treatment, original link is here.

Body Image

Another case of tarnished self image in the media. Another girl has been objectified and terminated from her contract for being unable "to meet the obligations under her contract with us"/too fat. Filippa Hamilton, who is my age, has been modeling with Ralph Lauren since she was fifteen. Take a step back - what were YOU doing at 15? I was hardly finished picking food from my braces and buying horrendous jeans from Aeropostale. Neither here nor there.

Filippa is a total babe. She will be hired elsewhere by an agency who truly appreciates her for her talent and basic hotness.

Her situation is not alone. I see it Monday through Friday.


I work in print advertising. I have about 137 magazines on my desk RIGHT now and twelve unopened manila envelopes. Underneath my phone, Milla Jovovich is downright staring at me while tugging her shirt off. (I needed to pull info for a Maxim July 2009 invoice.) Truthfully, I rarely read these. The word "regurgitate" is fair to use when describing the content of mostly any publication. Our society is obsessed with self help, celebrity smut, and a quick influx of information.


Why not, let's discover what you can learn from my desk...

● The 50 hottest men/mas guapos
● What is going on between R. Patz and Kirsten Stewart?
● Jon and Kate Gosselin need to be banished to an island in Asia (Jon would be happy)
● It is very unlikely that you will fail as a parent - but you will fear it
● The best beauty buys for ANYTHING
● How to lose 10 pounds this week!
● Sex...anything. Just sex.
● Jacob Lautner is 17 years old. And super hot.
● Why you will never look as good as anyone in a magazine whether it's hair, clothes, make anything. However, you will spend your paycheck attempting to and that's exactly what they want

So go ahead, keep on picking up those publications at the grocery store check out line. It will be like the first time you ever read the article - even though you did four months ago!

Pee Your Pants website of the Day!

Sometimes we stumble across websites that make us laugh so hard our face hurts. By the magic of little to no productivity in the office on a Friday afternoon, I bring you manbabies.com. This website causes me sadness that I did not take a photo shop class. Also, great joy as my face hurts so bad from laughing. Enjoy!