What I'm Thankful For

Back to the grind!  I hate that term.  Only 3.2 weeks of work until Christmas break.

For realsies though, it's almost December and this morning I accepted the fact that a cold Chicago winter is inevitable.  As if there is any other kind.  In reflection of the holiday, here is a list of things I am thankful for in somewhat of an order.  Family first, then everything else!

• Being my Dad's sidekick when I am home.  Sporting events, Wal-Mart three times in one day, Cracker Barrel?  Works for me and padre.
• My brother and the next Peter Gammons, Ryan!  (Please see resemblance below.)  I imagine Ryan will age better than Peter but that's neither here nor there.  Catch his front page story, here SIU Daily Egyptian 

•  That after viewing the effects of my mom taking vitamins I decided they all negate each other and, in conclusion, cause unnecessary napping.
• Casey, the boyfriend.  I forgot him in the first publish of this post.  We spend a solid amount of our time making fun of strangers...and each other.  When he buys me flowers for the second time (ever) I might buy him a helicopter.
  
• Returning to Chicago after a long train ride and riding in the cab home.  Seeing the lights of the city and personally being part of the skyline is an outstanding experience.
• On the Chicago note, not being a Bears fan.  For real, they are awful.
• To piggyback off THAT, not being a Cubs fan.  Go Cardinals! Less than 100 days until pitchers and catchers report.  My winters are so lonely.
  

• Lady Gaga.  "If I'm a guy and I think Lady Gaga is incredibly talented, am I gay?" The answer is no.
• Kitten Mittens
• Glee and 30 Rock.  I, like, really enjoy those shows.
  
• Being incredibly better looking than the mutants that shop in Southern Illinois at 5 a.m. on Black Friday.  Straight from Dante's seventh ring of HELL, they resembled Sloth from the Goonies.  I will not stand in line with these freaks for a $79 Blu-Ray player.
  

The end.

Happy November 25th.

I'm writing this post for my own amusement, one of those things where I can look back later and think "what was I doing?" The truth is, I'm not doing much of anything. As a relatively new but necessary employee in my position (see: lacking worth) I am at work the day before Thanksgiving break starts. Ten percent of our work force is here, including the annoying girl in the cube next door. Her presence limits my ability to spin in circles in my desk chair. In an ideal world I would spin for minutes at a time, only competing with myself.

Instead I'm sitting [calmly] at my desk, responding to whatever e-mails I can and receiving endless amounts of "out of office" replies. All while listening to "Jai Ho" by the Pussycat Dolls.  Only an hour and 47 minutes until I bounce out of here.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I Will NOT Cover Sarah Palin's Newsweek Cover in this Post

I am continuously disappointed by the lack of journalistic integrity and morals in the entertainment industry. This magazine cover for Atlanta Magazine is a solid example.

"Couture, Catfights, and Collagen - Welcome to the Jungle!" Awful.



I work with a small number of magazines that make me cringe. I still admire the hard working reps and respect the partnership between my team and the books. I cannot stand behind the endless covers of Jon + Kate and KStew and RPatz (did I really just type that?). After years of divorce I find it hard to understand why Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston still appear on covers.

The readers of these magazines probably log onto Perez every day too.

Cringe. Cringe. Cringe.

Okay, rant over.

For some brilliant, groundbreaking and beautiful covers (see: art) please view ASME's Top 40 Magazine Covers of the Last 40 Years. This list, released in 2005, features outstanding work that puts shame to magazines now sitting in my recycling bin.

Does your cat make TOO much NOI-se?!

Only a week until Thanksgiving. Naturally, that means the Christmas season started over two weeks ago. Next week I am going to my parents' for the turkey day holidays. My agenda generally consists of being a glutton and sitting on the couch all day abusing their DV-R. Twice a day I will likely walk my seven-year-old pup, Cher (we adopted her from a shelter and unfortunately her name stuck). Occasionally, I will shuffle off the couch solely to chase down Gary the cat. Gary, named after Spongebob's snail, is a glorious 14 pound snow shoe Siamese with a bit of an eating problem. Although he is my cat, he is proof that a guy should never buy a girl an animal unless he plans to raise the animal in question. For this reason he was adopted by Grandma. However, because he is my cat I have no problem chasing, squeezing and hugging him until he squeals for mercy.

I love my animals so much that I have already started their Christmas shopping. I will let you be the judge of how serious I am about these.

For Cher, the pup, I present you the dog snuggie. Snuggie, you've gone way too far. Particularly on the snuggie for dogs web site where you will notice the dogs are playing BACKGAMMON.


One of my favorite shows. Charlie presents kitten mittens!

Just another D-Bag

My brother sent me the article this morning from the Fairfield University newspaper, He Said: The walk of shame by the now infamous Chris Surette. I am not endorsing that you actually read his work. I don't endorse anything with references to "raw dogging." If you're unaware of this term as well, look it up on urbandctionary.com. I will not elaborate. Chris' article (loosely used term, once again) is a "guy's guide" to the walk of shame.

One look at Mr. Surette and I find it impossible to believe that this is written from his own experiences. More than likely he listened to other taller, leaner and more attractive douche bags explain their conquests over Sunday morning cafeteria brunch. I can imagine Chris eavesdropping over a buttered short stack and crying into his orange juice over over how he can never be like "them." I mean, LOOK at that mug shot!

Oh Christopher, your [likely] obese ginger mother should be ashamed. She is, in fact, the only woman with whom you have ever had a close relationship. As well as female genitalia. (Ya, I said it.) We readers know you're full of shit when you reference "pounding." The only pounding you do concerns baking, fatty.

My favorite quote in the article is, "Now if you follow these tips, the next time you do work, you’ll have a tale to tell your buds for years." If in fact you have ever touched a girl during a consensual moment then you're really talking about if for YEARS? Please. Somebody isn't getting laid.

Chris, you are disgusting. So is your grammar. For example,

I would rather enjoy my college years drinking my face off and having to clean my own vomit, than cleaning the vomit of 16 month infant

Congratulations Chris on vomiting alone in your twin size bed. I would never want to clean up the vomit of a 16 month infant. I imagine it is similar to a 16-month-old infant but, because you fail at editing, you missed that too.

I am not here to whine about Chris' free speech and the pending harassment charges, leave that to others. I am simply here to bash Chris Surette, you worthless piece of life.

Thanks to deadspin.com for pointing out the fact that he is also a Red Sox fan.

Assignment Detroit: A Special Time Inc. Project

Urban decay is present around the country, whether people want to discover it or care to is another story. For four years, I lived in the Midtown area of St. Louis, the 48th largest city in the U.S. In 1890, it was the fourth largest. Each morning I woke up to the Arch shining through my freshmen dorm window. Only miles to the north of SLU's beautiful oasis are the projects. When I volunteered there senior year small, black children gawked at us through the cracked open doorways of their homes. They stared for two main reasons: we were white and we weren't cops. White people don't typically come into those areas for good reasons. Below is an example of a once beautiful mansion in the same area. Now it's mostly recycled for scraps.



Because of my time in St. Louis, I took particular interest in Time Inc.'s newest project, "Assignment Detroit." The editors of Time magazine recently purchased a home in Detroit for a year long evaluation of city and its past and future role in American society. Journalists, photographers and bloggers will spend a year living in this home and emerging themselves in Detroit's history. They are hosting BBQs and inviting neighbors over for lawn parties. It's not just reporting, it's immersion. The introduction of why time is in Detroit is here and an amazing article.

People [lots of Chicagoans] that say "Detroit sucks!" are ignorant. Detroit's story is the most important milestone in America economic history's since the Industrial Revolution. (If this is already too far over your head then stop reading.)

Detroit is still the world's automotive center. Detroit as a whole cannot fail. Detroit is at the forefront of health care and poverty issues, to name a few facing national policy. For all of these reasons, I will follow this story as it unfolds and look into all the possiblities presented to me. And whoever else wants to discover the story.

"While we do not intend to be cheerleaders or apologists, we do have a point of view: we want Detroit to recover and find its way into the future."

United Arts Theater Built in 1928, vacant since the 1970s)

"MOM, are you SERIOUS?"

Although she will never read this because of her lack of interwebs skills, props to my mother [woman in the Snuggie or "Marsha" for short] for attempting to scare the living shit out of me today.

Let's start. Beginning Monday, my health took a turn for the decline.

• Monday, approximately 12 p.m.: "Why does my throat hurt? I feel tired."
• Monday, approximately 9 p.m., Job #2: "I can't talk to my tables anymore. I hope they don't need anything because I'm losing my voice. No, I will not go through my complimentary samples of wine spiel."

• Tuesday, 4 a.m.: "Oh god, I'm dead. I'm dying. Sleeping vertical. Keep coughing. Ah. Sentences with no nouns."
• Tuesday, 4 a.m. t 7:30 a.m.: I wake up every 10 minutes dreaming of detrimental illness.
• Tuesday, appx. 11 a.m.: Convo with the Marsha.
Me: "Ya, my throat is really killing me. It burns my throat to talk so I'm staying home."
Mom: "Ok, well call me if you get bored and just want to talk."
Me: "..."
• Tuesday, normal work hours: Consisted of me sleeping 14 hours and sitting on the couch. Life is boring at home. Except...

Positive: CSI, Law & Order, and other various crime shows are on all day.
Negative: I now fear I will fall victim to a serial killer walking home from job #2. Unfortunately, my demise will end with some sort of assault and a Jane Doe case only to be solved in 2019. Because of the endless commercials I've seen for the movie '2012' my case will never be solved. Awesome!

Now my Wednesday consists of coming to work two hours late, catching up on e-mails and wondering why the cell phone bill wasn't paid. Then I receive the call from Marsha.

If you know me, you know I love my mom but we are very...different. A different world would be fair, maybe one where she doesn't giggle so much and wear jeans every day. Today though, she called "just to see how you're doing!" The call ended with her practically in tears describing the effects of swine flu and early detection.

God bless the woman, but she's a nurse of over 25 years. Every time my brother or I falls ill she acts like we're victims of the bubonic plague.

Mom: "I [sob] just want you to be careful!"
Me: "Mom, do you talk to your patients like this?"
Mom: "Can you [sob] avoid public transportation?"
Me: "What? Mom, are you serious? No."

At this point, I do not have the swine. If I do, I will keep you updated. Maybe Marsha will make me a caringbridge.com blog.

More making fun of people

To piggy back off my "Mommy, Play with Meeeee" post I need to include the below facebook status. I like to call it the "Go Kill Yourself Facebook Status of the Day"

deep cleaning my entire house! I love being productive! I love my husband even more for taking care of my farm because I'm too busy :)

1 - She's soooo busy cleaning the house. If I ever describe myself as tooooo busy cleaning the house it implies that I am unemployed.

2 - This girl is not a farmer, nor is she the wife of a farmer. I'm fairly certain she is also not the child of farmers

      2a - Her farm is the facebook application Farmville. Currently her "farm" is full of ghost chilis and aloe that need to be harvested in six hours. SIX. This is not something that requires attention ASAP. Think of it as an intense laundry session

God, I need to delete my facebook account