It's also not censored and, while I typically don't write with "foul language" on my blog, this time I do not care. Dammit.
First off, you're an ass-hole. Good to get that off my chest.
I hope it pains you to know that you are not even the best of the two bike thieves. You see, last summer my childhood bike was stolen off my my second floor back porch. It was a 20" turquoise Huffy that I received for Christmas circa the 1996 era. The first big girl bike to call my own! The metallic rainbow lettering, the matching water bottle, the silver spokes. Her and I instantly fell in love and enjoyed over a decade together. I was on that bike when my brother rode his own two-wheeler into a mailbox, we screeched down hills in the Ozark mountains and nearly crashed at the bottom, it got me through the first summers in high school when all the cool kids drove. Then in 2010, some fucking asshole ripped my heart out and stole that bike. Oh, I cried. You can take my bike, but never my memories!
Then you came along and tried to bring up the past? What little you know.
This morning, I walked outside after a decent run to ride home and stared. Then stared some more. My mind starting racing...my bike was right here last night, right? "MY BIKE! YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! WHERE THE FUCK IS MY BIKE? FUCK THIS SHIT!" To the middle-aged woman walking her little white dogs, I am not sorry for frightening you with this outburst. We live in a dangerous world and my temperament is the least of your problems.
But it's not her or her gross little dogs I hate; it's you, Bike Thief. I parked my bike between two Schwinns, both also with chain locks, on purpose. Do you know the retail of a Schwinn? More than my Magna Great Divide mountain bike, I'll tell you that. When you google search "magna bike" do you know the first paid search option? Target.com. Renowned bicycle experts, TAR-GET DOT COM.
After last year's insult on my dignity I bought the cheapest shit available at Target. A $100 Magna I affectionately named, You're my Boy Blue, that was meant for men. My bad. Reviews on Target.com are at one and a half stars. My favorite is below:
DO NOT BUY THIS BIKE...[it] has a poor gear system. It is very difficult to get the bike to shift gears if you can at all. The shifter on the left handle bar completely broke off during the ride. I had to hold the shifter in place to complete the ride. The grip on the handle bars slips off. The brakes do very little to slow the bike, good luck stopping! [...]
You're my Boy Blue is a death trap of epic proportions. So maybe that's why I immediately bought a helmet. When the brakes go out at least my head will be protected. As annoyed as I am to lose my two-wheeled mode of transportation between point A and point B (especially along the lake shore) I feel a sense of retribution has been dealt to you. I believe in swift vengeance and karma (or whatever helps me sleep better).
So there you are bike thief, I have directly put you in danger. Or whomever buys it from you. Either way, it's no matter to me. As the letter above states, "I hope my bike takes you straight to hell."
xoxo,
Theresa Marie Voyles
P.S. - Once you ride the bike, and realize its lack of quality, it is possible that you will return it. If so, please return to the same bike rack with the note, "sorry I stole your shit bike." Then, walk into traffic.
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