Facebook V. 310

I joined Facebook nearly seven years ago, making me old in technological terms.  (Yes, my college actually had to be approved for Facebook.  If you remember this then you are also old.)  Since that time, Facebook has undergone more facelifts than Heidi Montag, William Shatner, and Burt Reynolds combined to the eighth power.  It happens.  Now I have a Facebook feed for my Facebook feed?  Whatever.

I actually learned about the Facebook revamp from Twitter.  #SocialMediaOverload

 

link. 

More making fun of people

To piggy back off my "Mommy, Play with Meeeee" post I need to include the below facebook status. I like to call it the "Go Kill Yourself Facebook Status of the Day"

deep cleaning my entire house! I love being productive! I love my husband even more for taking care of my farm because I'm too busy :)

1 - She's soooo busy cleaning the house. If I ever describe myself as tooooo busy cleaning the house it implies that I am unemployed.

2 - This girl is not a farmer, nor is she the wife of a farmer. I'm fairly certain she is also not the child of farmers

      2a - Her farm is the facebook application Farmville. Currently her "farm" is full of ghost chilis and aloe that need to be harvested in six hours. SIX. This is not something that requires attention ASAP. Think of it as an intense laundry session

God, I need to delete my facebook account

"Mommy get off facebook and play with meeee!"

When I entered the realm of facebook, about five years ago, life was simple. Essentially I wrote on my friend's walls, creeped on the guy I met at last Saturday's frat party (hot sophomore!) and maybe my profile picture was me dominating a beer bong. Okay, guilty on the last one.

Facebook has imploded. There are apps and photo albums and Bejeweled and something called Mafia Wars and people throwing sheep. Some of the most pathetic sentences of my life have been uttered in the last few months concerning that stupid Farmville application.

Exhibit A: Ryan's birthday weekend. Ryan: "Theresa, we've gotta go." Me: "Hold on, one more level and I can grow aloe vera." Ryan: "That's the worst thing I've ever heard."

Exhibit B: "Casey, hold on. I have to harvest my duck!"

But why am I ridiculing myself? I have others to roast.

Facebook moms. Not the moms and dads that influenced myparentsjoinedfacebook.com. This is an amazing blog that chronicles the fails of parents and I, humbly, linked it to my submission on that site.

I'm talking about recent moms. Moms my age, my high school classmates. When did having a kid make you such a boring sociopath? Nobody is denying these kids are capital A-dorable but you are blowing up my mini feed with statues like: "Ok I thought baby brain was supposed to stop after you have the baby. Obviously its still with me...When will I get my old brain back?!?!"

I don't even know what that means but it sounds weird. I read one the other day about possible postpartum depression and scoffed. Said mommy was sad and "I've cried six times before noon!!!!"; the comments following are other young moms telling her that it's perfectly okay! The status about where to send your kid to high school...he can't even freaking TALK YET. Is this the person you become as a 24-year-old mother? If so, plan my pregnancy for the next social media craze.

I am all for social networking and even seeking advice through the internet. However, your facebook status should not be used as a self help message board. Sharing photos of your first born is great but I'm still wary. Especially if the kid's head is lopsided. I, personally, feel awkward seeing the progressive aging of a former co-worker's child when I haven't seen the mother in years.

So do me a favor - keep your lamaze/creepy hospital delivery/up all night because of crying stories out of the public eye. Some day your child will be happy that 481 of mommy's friends did not watch him grow up on the Internet.

An Open Letter to Falcon Heene

Falcon Heene
The Box in the Attic
Colorado

Dearest Falcon,

It seemed only yesterday [it was] that I used my lunch break to run some errands. When I came back to my desk, hardly an hour later, I received frantic gchat messages. "DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BALLOON KID?!?!!? HE FLEW AWAY IN A BALLOON IN HIS PARENT'S YARD!!!" I was confused to why any family, besides one in the circus, would have a multi-colored balloon with a wicker basket in their front yard. Yes, this is what I envisioned.

I am so sorry Falcon. I mistook your family for some circus freaks when, in fact, they are extra terrestrial/science loving/Wife Swap freaks. I will never make that mistake again. If I was the child of your parents I would also run away and can only blame you for not running far enough. A box in the attic? What were you going to do when you were hungry? Did you at least bring some Crustable sandwiches? Stupid move, Falcon.

I did enjoy watching you throw up on the Today Show this morning. If you missed it, please relive it using this link. You're an Internet celebrity you know. Your brother looking grossed out is at 5:15. You tossing your cookies is about the six minute mark. BLEEECCCCCH!!!!!

You made my rainy October Thursday afternoon and Friday morning a little bitter brighter. I hope you accomplish great things in your life. Whether you build a super sonic jet for passenger use or develop a cure for a rare genetic disease just know that it doesn't matter. You are the balloon kid who never rode in a balloon. You hid in a box. We salute you.


Sincerely,
Theresa


Below is the best facebook status thread...ever. Balloon Boy Gets the Fresh Price Treatment, original link is here.