"Mommy get off facebook and play with meeee!"

When I entered the realm of facebook, about five years ago, life was simple. Essentially I wrote on my friend's walls, creeped on the guy I met at last Saturday's frat party (hot sophomore!) and maybe my profile picture was me dominating a beer bong. Okay, guilty on the last one.

Facebook has imploded. There are apps and photo albums and Bejeweled and something called Mafia Wars and people throwing sheep. Some of the most pathetic sentences of my life have been uttered in the last few months concerning that stupid Farmville application.

Exhibit A: Ryan's birthday weekend. Ryan: "Theresa, we've gotta go." Me: "Hold on, one more level and I can grow aloe vera." Ryan: "That's the worst thing I've ever heard."

Exhibit B: "Casey, hold on. I have to harvest my duck!"

But why am I ridiculing myself? I have others to roast.

Facebook moms. Not the moms and dads that influenced myparentsjoinedfacebook.com. This is an amazing blog that chronicles the fails of parents and I, humbly, linked it to my submission on that site.

I'm talking about recent moms. Moms my age, my high school classmates. When did having a kid make you such a boring sociopath? Nobody is denying these kids are capital A-dorable but you are blowing up my mini feed with statues like: "Ok I thought baby brain was supposed to stop after you have the baby. Obviously its still with me...When will I get my old brain back?!?!"

I don't even know what that means but it sounds weird. I read one the other day about possible postpartum depression and scoffed. Said mommy was sad and "I've cried six times before noon!!!!"; the comments following are other young moms telling her that it's perfectly okay! The status about where to send your kid to high school...he can't even freaking TALK YET. Is this the person you become as a 24-year-old mother? If so, plan my pregnancy for the next social media craze.

I am all for social networking and even seeking advice through the internet. However, your facebook status should not be used as a self help message board. Sharing photos of your first born is great but I'm still wary. Especially if the kid's head is lopsided. I, personally, feel awkward seeing the progressive aging of a former co-worker's child when I haven't seen the mother in years.

So do me a favor - keep your lamaze/creepy hospital delivery/up all night because of crying stories out of the public eye. Some day your child will be happy that 481 of mommy's friends did not watch him grow up on the Internet.