The Many Masks of Taco Bell

Way back in high school, I exposed myself to a variety of literary forms for amusement and education alike. Senior year I struggled my way through Dante's Inferno, a 14th century poem about the Italian author's journey through the nine circles of medieval hell.

Centuries later, I see Dante's work in real life, through the advertisements of Taco Hell.

Like Dante's adulterers and heretics, Taco Bell has its own offenders. The circles include the drunk, the fat, the poor, and the stoned. In purgatory, somewhere between real food and the 5 layer burrito, are the curious bystanders awaiting their Tex Mex. (To save face, outside of the circle are the people whom love those yummy, yummy cinnamon twists!)

A few years ago, Taco Bell introduced us to fourth meal in an attempt to bring together the high and the inebriated by offering grade D meat, white iceberg lettuce and soggy tortillas.

Now all the circles of hell surface in the 'restaurant's" (loose term) new ad campaigns.

Exhibit 1: The Five Layer Burrito. This 490 calorie wonder will still your heart, literally. Your coronaries will shut down. At least T-Bell shares some honesty with this campaign.

Exhibit 2: The Pacific Shrimp Taco.  o-m-g.  On the fifth day, when God filled the seas with living creatures, He had no intention that they may end up in a Taco Bell soft shell.  No crustacean deserves a fate this vile, even if lacking of a vertebrae.  At the low, low price of $2.99 I can only imagine where these shrimps actually originate.

Exhibit 3: Here's the kicker: the Taco Bell drive-thru diet.  I'm not saying I don't believe in it, but I still have a hard time believing in the packaging.  Don't mess with me TB, you are a wolf in sheep's clothing and I will not play your games!



Taco Bell is just one of a handful of brands lacking in ad direction.  (I'm looking at you little-beady-money-eyes-style Geico.)  T-Bell is attempting to be something it's not (healthy) while still delivering its old, consistent messages of eating glutinous food at 2 a.m.

[True story, last time I walked past a TB drive thru at 2 a.m. there were screaming Hispanics and glass bottles shattering.  I turned for four seconds and kept walking.]

While Taco Bell searches for its self image, I will instead visit the El Burrito Mexicano hole-in-the-wall  restaurant underneath of the red line tracks.  Sure, the burritos are two bites away from burning a hole in my stomach and the employees don't speak English, but at least there's no advertising to disrupt my post-bars dining experience.