"MOM, are you SERIOUS?"

Although she will never read this because of her lack of interwebs skills, props to my mother [woman in the Snuggie or "Marsha" for short] for attempting to scare the living shit out of me today.

Let's start. Beginning Monday, my health took a turn for the decline.

• Monday, approximately 12 p.m.: "Why does my throat hurt? I feel tired."
• Monday, approximately 9 p.m., Job #2: "I can't talk to my tables anymore. I hope they don't need anything because I'm losing my voice. No, I will not go through my complimentary samples of wine spiel."

• Tuesday, 4 a.m.: "Oh god, I'm dead. I'm dying. Sleeping vertical. Keep coughing. Ah. Sentences with no nouns."
• Tuesday, 4 a.m. t 7:30 a.m.: I wake up every 10 minutes dreaming of detrimental illness.
• Tuesday, appx. 11 a.m.: Convo with the Marsha.
Me: "Ya, my throat is really killing me. It burns my throat to talk so I'm staying home."
Mom: "Ok, well call me if you get bored and just want to talk."
Me: "..."
• Tuesday, normal work hours: Consisted of me sleeping 14 hours and sitting on the couch. Life is boring at home. Except...

Positive: CSI, Law & Order, and other various crime shows are on all day.
Negative: I now fear I will fall victim to a serial killer walking home from job #2. Unfortunately, my demise will end with some sort of assault and a Jane Doe case only to be solved in 2019. Because of the endless commercials I've seen for the movie '2012' my case will never be solved. Awesome!

Now my Wednesday consists of coming to work two hours late, catching up on e-mails and wondering why the cell phone bill wasn't paid. Then I receive the call from Marsha.

If you know me, you know I love my mom but we are very...different. A different world would be fair, maybe one where she doesn't giggle so much and wear jeans every day. Today though, she called "just to see how you're doing!" The call ended with her practically in tears describing the effects of swine flu and early detection.

God bless the woman, but she's a nurse of over 25 years. Every time my brother or I falls ill she acts like we're victims of the bubonic plague.

Mom: "I [sob] just want you to be careful!"
Me: "Mom, do you talk to your patients like this?"
Mom: "Can you [sob] avoid public transportation?"
Me: "What? Mom, are you serious? No."

At this point, I do not have the swine. If I do, I will keep you updated. Maybe Marsha will make me a caringbridge.com blog.

"Mommy get off facebook and play with meeee!"

When I entered the realm of facebook, about five years ago, life was simple. Essentially I wrote on my friend's walls, creeped on the guy I met at last Saturday's frat party (hot sophomore!) and maybe my profile picture was me dominating a beer bong. Okay, guilty on the last one.

Facebook has imploded. There are apps and photo albums and Bejeweled and something called Mafia Wars and people throwing sheep. Some of the most pathetic sentences of my life have been uttered in the last few months concerning that stupid Farmville application.

Exhibit A: Ryan's birthday weekend. Ryan: "Theresa, we've gotta go." Me: "Hold on, one more level and I can grow aloe vera." Ryan: "That's the worst thing I've ever heard."

Exhibit B: "Casey, hold on. I have to harvest my duck!"

But why am I ridiculing myself? I have others to roast.

Facebook moms. Not the moms and dads that influenced myparentsjoinedfacebook.com. This is an amazing blog that chronicles the fails of parents and I, humbly, linked it to my submission on that site.

I'm talking about recent moms. Moms my age, my high school classmates. When did having a kid make you such a boring sociopath? Nobody is denying these kids are capital A-dorable but you are blowing up my mini feed with statues like: "Ok I thought baby brain was supposed to stop after you have the baby. Obviously its still with me...When will I get my old brain back?!?!"

I don't even know what that means but it sounds weird. I read one the other day about possible postpartum depression and scoffed. Said mommy was sad and "I've cried six times before noon!!!!"; the comments following are other young moms telling her that it's perfectly okay! The status about where to send your kid to high school...he can't even freaking TALK YET. Is this the person you become as a 24-year-old mother? If so, plan my pregnancy for the next social media craze.

I am all for social networking and even seeking advice through the internet. However, your facebook status should not be used as a self help message board. Sharing photos of your first born is great but I'm still wary. Especially if the kid's head is lopsided. I, personally, feel awkward seeing the progressive aging of a former co-worker's child when I haven't seen the mother in years.

So do me a favor - keep your lamaze/creepy hospital delivery/up all night because of crying stories out of the public eye. Some day your child will be happy that 481 of mommy's friends did not watch him grow up on the Internet.

Mommy Mommy Magazine

With literally hundreds of magazines crossing my path at work I often glance at titles for fun. Print exists for every health ailment, relationship inadequacy and celebrity fascination out there. Among them there is an incredible amount of magazines concering parenting - rumored to be the most difficult job of all. How to feed, the best schools, should kids watch TV or not? Bla, bla, bla. New comer Cookie proudly boats it is for the "upscale" mom - whether this is for the suburban house wife or the power working mommy I am not certain.

Hell, I am 22 years old and my parents still exhibit naivety when it comes to my transition into adulthood.

These magazines make me wonder whether these readers are more concerned with parental success - or failure. "Mommy bloggers" are some of the most active producers of original material presently on the internet. Their impact is far reaching and affects everything from appropriate advertising and product segmentation. Women no longer just ask their mothers or matronly friends for help - they go to the blogosphere at the slighest jolt of misbehavior from Junior.

As someone with absolutely no aspirations of becoming a parent in the near distant future I will most likely watch these publications develop and fold from the sidelines. Until the time I find it necessary to pick up the magazine Conceive for the...ya, I think you understand.