Good mooooooorning Chicago!

Today on my blog I salute a man I love to hate.  He is one of the first voices I hear in the morning when he enters my living room around 8:03 a.m.  When he's absent, I am curiously upset.  The villain appears, with a menacing smile, after I nod a good morning to Mr. Matt Lauer (long-time crush) and Mr. Al Roker says, "here's what's happening in your neck of the woods!"

This posting gives me a good excuse to put up this picture!

This antihero, with an advanced degree in meteorology, makes proclamations like, "arm up for the weekend!" and "it's sunny out there but grab your sunglasses and a warm coat.  You'll need it."  Never mind his incessant ramblings about how gorgeous it is on Tuesday but "expect a cold chill starting Saturday."

Andy Avalos, you have ruined so many of my days with your talk of showers but, without you, how would I know to carry an umbrella? 

Thank you NBC 5 for giving me your weather man, whom brings me hope of sunny days and summer porch drinking and the crippling depression of April flurry warnings.

Until morning, Mr. Avalos, good night.  I will see you when I wake.

The infamous Mr. Avalos up to no good, per usual.

More Christmas gift ideas

I am nearly finished with my Christmas shopping, thanks to my Amazon.com shopping spree yesterday.  Nothing is better than seeing a flat rate of $XXX on my bank statement!

If you're a slacker, I have some last minute options for you.  Thanks to AsOnTVInfomercials.com for inspiration and ideas.

1 - The Necky.  It's like a Dickie but outside your sweater!  Do you have a total moron in your family that has difficulty wearing a scarf?  (Quite possibility, the same relative living on government assistance?)  We have a match.  Plus, the Necky is available in three colors: navy blue, charcoal gray, and designer leopard.  Please somebody tell me when designer leopard became a "color."



2 - The Chia Obama for the Dem in the family.  Let's be honest, everyone knows about this (but I loved it anyway) so I only have three words.  Yes, we can.

3 - The Bedazzler.  Timeless but now culturally relevant thanks to MTV's newest disaster of humanity, "Jersey Shore."  Consumer spending is down for Holiday 2009 and many of us do not have the time or resources to walk into an Ed Hardy store and drop 200 bucks on a blinged out hoodie.  (Or we don't want to because we're not an asshole.)  If your family member or friend's biggest wish this winter is to look like a total guido/guidette/jerkface then get creative and bedazzle a black button up or sports bra for them!  They will love you.  Then they will drink too much, vomit on themselves and attempt to fight someone on the sidewalk at 2:45 a.m.

"Easy, fun & fabulous!  Snap, push & pop!"

Just another D-Bag

My brother sent me the article this morning from the Fairfield University newspaper, He Said: The walk of shame by the now infamous Chris Surette. I am not endorsing that you actually read his work. I don't endorse anything with references to "raw dogging." If you're unaware of this term as well, look it up on urbandctionary.com. I will not elaborate. Chris' article (loosely used term, once again) is a "guy's guide" to the walk of shame.

One look at Mr. Surette and I find it impossible to believe that this is written from his own experiences. More than likely he listened to other taller, leaner and more attractive douche bags explain their conquests over Sunday morning cafeteria brunch. I can imagine Chris eavesdropping over a buttered short stack and crying into his orange juice over over how he can never be like "them." I mean, LOOK at that mug shot!

Oh Christopher, your [likely] obese ginger mother should be ashamed. She is, in fact, the only woman with whom you have ever had a close relationship. As well as female genitalia. (Ya, I said it.) We readers know you're full of shit when you reference "pounding." The only pounding you do concerns baking, fatty.

My favorite quote in the article is, "Now if you follow these tips, the next time you do work, you’ll have a tale to tell your buds for years." If in fact you have ever touched a girl during a consensual moment then you're really talking about if for YEARS? Please. Somebody isn't getting laid.

Chris, you are disgusting. So is your grammar. For example,

I would rather enjoy my college years drinking my face off and having to clean my own vomit, than cleaning the vomit of 16 month infant

Congratulations Chris on vomiting alone in your twin size bed. I would never want to clean up the vomit of a 16 month infant. I imagine it is similar to a 16-month-old infant but, because you fail at editing, you missed that too.

I am not here to whine about Chris' free speech and the pending harassment charges, leave that to others. I am simply here to bash Chris Surette, you worthless piece of life.

Thanks to deadspin.com for pointing out the fact that he is also a Red Sox fan.

Best Onion Article (Ever).

I would like to thank Mr. Lynn, my high school English teacher, for supporting my love of satirical writing. When done correctly, it's terrific and (for me at least) is my favorite form of creativity. On the flip side, poorly executed satire is about as much fun as crossing Michigan Ave. In front of a speeding cab.

I am a huge fan of the Onion. Although I consider myself a nice person I do enjoy making fun of ignorance, current events and the general population on a daily basis. So the article Nation's Morons March on Washington State definitely made my day.

The fact there is someone that probably can't locate D.C. on a map saddens me. You know those people. They are the same ones that call the Spanish language "Mexican" and can't tell you why a Muslim is different than a Saudi Arabian. They wear fanny packs and high socks and go to Six Flags on vacation. Sometimes they even go on anniversary dates and propose in chain restaurants, like Chili's. If they feel particularly worldly then they visit Olive Garden for Italy's finest cuisine. (For anyone that hasn't been to Italy, Olive Garden sucks.)

These people are represented by Miss F-ing Teen USA from South Carolina. God bless the "U.S. Americans."

It's not that all of these people are completely stupid, even Jerry Falwell started a university and that guy is a nutter. One of my facebook friends, since deleted from my mini feed, posted a largely political post that ended with "I would like to buy an island and start our country over again. Who's with me??!?" All I could do was sigh.

I hope he marches to Washington state soon.