2011 Absolution

Recently, I was talking to my girlfriends about how enthusiastic I am going into 2012 with only a small number of expectations.  Literally, I can count them on one hand.

2011 was an ultimate years of highs and lows.  I embraced my friendships and chose to let go of one that defined my life for four years.  Romance meant both a steamroller and a mack truck, forcing me to pick myself up after I just discovered my footing again.

Professionally I'm happy and after three years in the same building, I better be.  Of course, I want more and I'm on the right path.  I'm expecting only big things in the recent future and am enthusiastic about the possibilities.

Thank God for friends.  With them, I've created some of the best memories.  Ski trips.  Birthday bar crawls.  Trolleys. Thursday nights playing volleyball on the beach.  Softball teams, each with their own set of teammates.  Bike rides out to the lake.  Then you have the more surreal moments of 2011.  Naked bike rides.  Bottle service at 2 a.m. Spontaneous boat rides on Lake Michigan. Trolling college bars.  Back-to-back Ad World Series Championships!

In late summer, some people told me that the next few months were "supposed to be harder" but they couldn't be more wrong.  I'm happy.  I'm learning what it's like to be myself, even if that means talk to empty air while watching TV on a Monday night.

One friend said that going into a new year without expectations or plans would make her nervous.  But I'm a little different.  In the game of taking what life throws at you, I'm all in this.  And looking forward to the results.

Times They Are A'Changin'

So I have not written, really written, for awhile.  No excuses, a lot of what I have was not ready for the interwebs.  So now, here I go.  Apologies in advance for excessive use of personal pronouns.

A month ago, my life changed dramatically.  After over four years, and a lot of bumps in the road in between, my long-term relationship came to an end.  Unlike some rom-com, my life did not crash around me.  Point blank, I fell out of love with my best friend.  It was an end to some means that grew and seethed for longer than I want to share.  To say, "I'm over it" is insulting of a close friendship but I can confidently say that life is moving and moving well.  I mean sure, I listened to a ton of Adele that first week but I'm smiling and laughing and surrounded by people whom I love and I think they like me back.  I did not eat chocolate and ice cream; I ran and did yoga sculpt.  (Nobody wants to date a newly single, depressed fat chick.)  I did not sit at home and cry in a dark bedroom; I invited my girlfriends to Chicago and ended up with 2 a.m. bottle service at a swanky club.  I enjoyed the last day of summer on a boat in Lake Michigan with new friends; I shopped at Victoria's Secret and drank martinis with my mom; I went on a date to a romantic fondue restaurant in Chicago with my #1 guy (dad); I attended a wedding with one of my married, female best friends as my date. I DYED MY FREAKIN' HAIR RED.  Seriously, I really feel sorry for those girls in the rom-coms; they're so sad.

There have been a couple of exchanges here and there between myself and recent ex, which are all friendly in nature (except for the 12:30 a.m. drunk call about "The Muppet Babies.")  Below is one worth sharing, as it's an accurate depiction of how I feel.  To caveat, this is part of a larger piece of work and the beginning should not be taken as some piggish guy behavior.

                                                                  
I think it's funny what you made some choice purchases at CVS.  You are a single dude, I'm not shocked.  But that is the exact opposite of what I did.  Everyone was like, "you're single, you're hot, you're killing it in this city. Do a hot, rich dude. BLA BLA BLA."  No, that's not what I want to do.  I'm a catch and I know this.  After 25 years, I can honestly say that I am extremely comfortable in my own skin.  I love who I am and whomever wants to hang out with me should too.  I don't need to go around banging every dude that lives in a high rise to justify how I feel about myself.  They are all over Chicago and some are genuinely nice, fun guys but until I really get to know them I probably won't get too excited.  A man shouldn't be a novelty item.  That's not what I need to be happy.  We both have respect for ourselves and others, that's an incredibly admirable quality.  So maybe I'll find that guy with the head of hair and the 9-5 job and cooks (that would be money!) but really I just want someone who complements me.  That I can be a couple AND a teammate with, that's what will justify my self worth.

You deserve the same thing.  Don't screw up.
                                                                  

So sometimes life doesn't work out as planned.  There's no need to dwell on it because, at the end of the day, you are left with a wealth of memories and the excitement of an unplanned future.  This blog tone will likely change but I'm the anti-Carrie Bradshaw.  No need to hear about every man/men I date/make out with in a bar/develop a 20 second crush.  That's for me to know, experience, and ultimately end up exactly where I'm supposed to be.

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Q1 Life Update

If this blog was a child it would be dead. So dead. Neglected, starving, lame and whimpering for help. I am a horrible mother.

Lots of changes have been happening lately. I have a new work "team" which is both scary, and exciting, as all of a sudden I am the go-to employee with thoughts of "don't screw up" running through my head. In the past few weeks my baby brother (22) visited, I saw my family for the first time since Christmas, taught mom how to say "Riesling," and generally spent time with some of the coolest people I know. I'm making excuses for ignoring this and I get that.

The other day I read my 2010 goals and I might as well review them, seeing as I shared them and all.

1. Looking for inspiration in the place St. Aloysius school told me to find it and then expanding upon that. A good friend and I had a heart to heart this weekend (over McDonald's) about how I was her "different" kind of friend. I firmly believe a person needs to make her own decisions but if I need to politely shove someone to get her head on straight, I will. I never mean to insensitive or brash, but only want to be strong for others when they may need me. For anyone who knows me this is somewhat ironic but I'm working on that too. Sometimes I need to find faith within other people and I'm thankful for the ones who provide it.

2. Obviously making the big suck on writing more. My daily writings have turned into a few times a week but, on the flip side, I've set a larger goal of reading more. This has been a subject on this blog multiple times but I'm on book #7, I think, of the year and currently being held captive by Water for Elephants.

3. Kicking ass is going good so far this year.  Surprisingly enough, this has predominantly been achieved by yoga.  For everyone who thinks yoga is child's play you cannot even fathom how incorrect you are.  I have tortured myself through 60 to 90 minutes of intense hot room stretching, weight lifting and downward facing dog to the point of vomiting.  After all this I can honestly say that I just feel in shape.  Mock that statement as much as you want but my biceps can punch the hell out of your face right now. Just ask the guy I hit in the face last week at dodgeball.

Half marathon is still on the "maybe" list.  However, the Bunny Rock 5K is a GO! Who DOESN'T want to listen to rock music and run 3.1 miles?

4. Being less indecisive. Heh. Still being vague, still not disclosing. I'll get there. Just give me moments.

A Fitting 100 Post.

Happy 100th post! In honor of this allow me to be generic in terms of writing about goals and those magical four self improvement terms of, ahem, improving myself:

1. Spiritually
2. Mentally
3. Physically
4. Emotionally

This entry will be about those, in terms of my new year, and in my own terms. For 2011 I prefer "goals" over "resolutions" but Thesaurus.com puts these on the same level so I'll roll with it.  I googled the terms above to find just where I heard these last and one of the top results that popped up was a pregnancy book. Negative. (See what I did there?) Anyways.

1. I started off the New Year with something that justifies a smirk (and pancakes) and followed that up with a date at St. Clement with my beloved roommate. After being doused in holy water by a woman with a blinged out belt buckle and designer jeans, I was entranced by the best homily I have heard since my old priest told us he was "going to make this short, the Packers game is on at noon."  New priest spoke about how, like the three wise men, we're often looking for some sign to lead us to promise.  Unlucky for us, we will never find this and have to create our own star to discover the path.  It's more like a treasure map than a straight shot, full of turns and challenges, to bring us to the desired conclusion.  Inspired, I went home and wrote this down in a notebook I use from time to time leading me to...

2. I'm going to write more.  I typically write my blog posts before I type these.  Whether it's scrawl on paper, tapping away on my notepad app or even on a napkin J.K. Rowling style.  Ever since the iconic story I penned in second grade, about a pet triceratops living in my parents' pool, writing has been a passion.  Anyone can write; I'm not exactly penning the next great American novel on this blog.  But in 2011, at the end of my day, I will jot down a few sentences about an event that occurred walking down the street, a dumb thought that popped up in the shower, or a small goal to achieve.  In hindsight, you learn a great deal from your past self.  Joyful, down on your luck, confused.  You would be surprised about everything that changes in 365 days.

3. Try something new...while totally kicking ass.  If you read any of this you may notice that while I enjoy watching sports I love playing them even more.  There's no such thing as being too old for recess and shows like the Biggest Loser strike me with overzealous fear.  To mix it up in 2011, I already joined a dodgeball league and bought a Groupon for boxing and boot camp classes.  Once the temperature is above freezing, or maybe not, I'll likely be playing softball.
  Also, I'm also throwing around the idea of running a half marathon.  I don't care to share more on this until I finally convince myself to know I can do it.  So here we go full circle with...

4.  Being less indecisive.  I did not mean to type "be more decisive."  I know what I mean here so bear with me.  Last night, laying in bed thinking of this, I initially thought of "stop being indecisive."  But, being the traditionally rational human being that I am, realize that's ridiculous.  I need to be able to juggle a decision before committing.  Some of this sparked from a New Year's Eve discussion.  My friend and I joked about being 25 and what we thought our 18-year-old selves would think if they saw us on the verge of 2011.  That 18-year-old would be so wrong and likely jealous they were not drinking legally out of lime green Solo cups.  At 25 I was supposed to be fresh out of law school, on the verge if not already married, and with a silver Audi (though likely used).  Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.  I no longer really think of age as a bench mark for decision making, however, with 25 close there are some decisions that warrant my attention.  I'm being vague on purpose as disclosing them in the process just takes away the fun.

That's it.  Long entry.  Happy 100.  These goals aren't lofty or unreachable but they are all encompassing and an improvement process to get myself in check.  Here we go!

Little Miss Approachable

I am not a knock out.  In typical social situations I am called cute.  Not the kind of cute reserved for children's shirts with kittens on them, but "pretty" cute.  I look my age to peers but to elders I'm "around 21?"  I'm just short of 5'3" with a sporty, petite build.  I have straight teeth courtesy of adolescent braces and my dad has called me "freckle nose" as long as I can remember, but I like to think I've grown up nicely.  I haven't dyed my hair in five years but believe that being a bottle blonde in high school helped me come out of my shell.  I don't wear too much makeup because I honestly don't know how.  I firmly believe too much makeup should be reserved for events like photos shoots and open casket funerals.

When having a good time out I am approachable to the point of flaw and overly accepting of your lame elevator pitch, as long as you're not an asshole.  I might even laugh at your awful pick up line, depending on how many drinks are in me.  I believe people are inherently good, which makes being a bitch very hard and disabling for me.  In a past life, I was the girl some guy would take home to screw only to be the one who played Guitar Hero with him and his roommates until I sobered up enough to drive home.  Go to bed alone, sucker.  At times I was trusting to the point of, "I am so glad I didn't die last night" at Rome's Termini train station at 7 a.m.  (THAT is a good story.  Another time.  Sorry Dad.)

A defining moment.  My junior year, on college spring break, my girl friends and I hung out with a small group of guys at their condo.  When I mentioned something risque I read in Cosmopolitan one of the guys, 28, beautiful and broad looked at me and flat out said, "you're smarter than that."  We spent the next few hours talking about European travel.  Brian, wherever you are, God bless you.

While reading My Horizontal Life by Chelsea Handler I though of how fun it would be to write my own memoir, minus the promiscuous sex.  I could never bring myself to sleep with a midget anyway.

I'm not old fashioned but I appreciate elements of traditional dating.  Sorry, but my friendliness is sometimes mistaken for flirting.  I gave up playing with emotions a long time ago because that doesn't comfort anyone.  I hate failure, especially when someone's feelings are up for grabs.  For a little while I whined about the inability to find myself a match, sung to the tune of Queen's "Find Me Somebody to Love."

So now I'm kind of in this new chapter in my life and, no lies, I'm nervous.  But I'm not singing Queen anymore.

"I'm okay, I'm alright."