G-Unit makes sauce of the Bad Apples. (Ya, I went there.)

Chapter three of my weekly softball e-mail.

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Hey guys!

Here's your recap e-mail.  Sorry it's late, I was "working" this morning.  Overrated.

Tuesday night was the "last hoorah" for the G-Unit's regular season and it did not disappoint.  Highlights include stellar defense, key hits, and the opportunity to use "dry hump" in context.  Overall, a success.

After Sam stripped down to boxers and changed into gym shorts in the middle of Grant Park (really, Sam?) G-Unit took the field to take on its office building rivals, Bad Apples.  Already bitter about losing a top shelf bottle of tequila, exiting captain Scott led the game off with a solo HR over the right field intern's head.  That shot set up momentum maintained throughout the night.  Claude's now trademarked "easy out Grand Slam" delivered the dagger G-Unit needed and lifted the crowd from their seats.  He followed it up with a strike out...nevermind.  Not important. 

G-Unit also delivered seven innings of fantastic defense.  One of the best moments came late in the game, with a textbook run down that was so perfect it would make your Little League coach cry tears of joy.  With a [probably illegal] pinch runner on third, the Bad Apples were looking to tighten our lead.  Making a heads up play at pitcher, Jason faked the throw to first and looked to silent Jeff to apply the tag.  Yenks got the runner in a pickle, tossed it to Colleen and, like an overly competitive game of monkey in the middle, threw it back to Jason who ended it all by making the tag.  For anyone who didn't follow that, Jason > Yenks > Colleen > Jason.  Out.  Also, a big hoorah to the G-Unit outfield that kept the ball in front and just overall kicked ass.  Especially the fitting last out of the last regular season game, a catch by coach.

Perhaps the most athletic moment of the night came when the team redneck, Jason, ran the approximate 1.1 miles (and 1.1 back) to the Old Navy on State St. to purchase a pair of shorts to replace his man-pris.  I need a running buddy, let me know if you're available.

In the end.
1.) We won
2.) There was Old Style in the dug out
3.) Nobody was hurt/killed in a unnecessary tackle at home plate
4.) Katie brought a male friend to hang out and then give her beer after the game!  Gentlemen, take careful notes of this behavior.
5.) While it wasn't Jock Jams (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0P9HCPAEc48), our warm up music was Interpol opening for U2.  That's kind of cool too.

Next week is playoffs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7fjDS0jKiE&NR=1).  Traditionally it's not our greatest showing, so let's get ready to win next week too!

If you need some additional motivation, this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6wRkzCW5qI) does not disappoint.

Have a great rest of the day!
- Dot

Everything we do, we do it big. G-Unit Style.

The second edition of my weekly softball e-mail.

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Hey G-Unit,

Tuesday night's rematch against estrogen fueled  rival, Booty Pants, translated into another W for SMG-Unit.  With a motivating pep talk by returning fearless leader, Scott, and the encouraging screams of "LET'S DO THIS" from John, the G-Unit took the lead early and held on throughout the game.  After the dust cleared, we emerged the winners in a 9-4 victory.  Fortunately for everyone (except this beat writer's willingness to embarrass you publicly) the night went rather smoothly.  There was little confrontation, our umpire was sober and capable, and there weren't any controversial plays that led to us losing our shit on the field.  Props to the team for hitting a number of line drives, keeping up the stellar defense, and overall proper softball mechanics.  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkRVTBsl1zk)  Big things happen.

Big thanks to Alycia and Nikki, G-Unit's Tuesday night best-dressed cheerleaders, for keeping the beer cold and cheering us on to a win.  Also, for presenting the methodology behind "food naming" and "Biggie Smalls."  http://tomhaverfoods.com/

After the game, we headed to Bar Louie for celebratory $1 burger night (tots & fries are $3 extra - you've been warned).  The patio was going fantastic and the night air crisp until dark clouds began to roll across the skyline.  Proud and unafraid, G-Unit drank its draft specials and stared the storm in the eye (it was kind of like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_pN312Te98).  That lasted all of 10 minutes before we headed inside for shelter.  (It was exactly like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYg-LtUxhcE).

After Bar Louie we parted ways, but only after Stevewas groped and prodded by a 20-year-old wearing striped J. Crew shorts and boat shoes.  According some whacked out Trib survey based on creeptastic Craigslist Missed Connections, the Red Line is the most romantic of all train lines.  Steve proves it's true.  (http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2010-09-30/news/ct-talk-romantic-trains-1001-20100930_1_romantic-train-brown-and-purple-lines-cta-s-red)

Reminder, we have next week off for the All-Star game.  Everyone enjoy your July 4th weekend!

Keepin' it real with the whole sha-bang-a-Bang (one bang),
Dot

G-g-g-g-Unit Steamrolls to a Victory

I was recently promoted to the official beat writer for my company 16" softball team and I am sharing this e-mails.  Last names and companies have not been included to protect the innocent.

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Hey G-Unit,

Apparently it's bad protocol to lie to the Tribune (lame) so today you get a two-in-one package of last night's scouting report.  First, the original hoax e-mail created to piss off our fearless leader and second, how awesome we are.  Enjoy.

E-mail one, the hoax.

The night was cool and the mountains on the Coors Lights blue as G-Unit rolled into Grant Park to take on sister agency, Booty Pants.  After a slightly awkward delay, involving a lack of Booty Pants, the game got going albeit only after the umpire drank 1.5 boxes of Jewel brand Cabernet.

Filling in as interim coach, Sgt. John I, led the team to an initial destroying of its competition.  Our feet were swift, our bats were mighty...then it came crashing to a halt.

Jeff, always one to keep it humble on the field, began a controlled argument with the seemingly drunk umpire.  Words were exchanged and a slight physical altercation occurred.  Jeff will be back next week pending physical examination of said umpire.  The rest of the game unfolded in Bad News Bears fashion as the Unit fell 15-17 after a slight massacre in the fifth.  Fortunately, casualties were few.  Resident lefty, Collin, was seen mumbling "don't text us about the lineup when you're on vacation...bull shit" as he threw the blue binder to the ground in disgust.  First base(wo)man, Colleen "Swissbeatz" was personally offended by the lack of hustle, proclaiming it for all of Grant Park to hear.

The Unit then drowned their sorrows in some post-game drinks at Shenanigans, followed by some Jennifer Grey dirty dancing at the Hangge Uppe. 

Also, if anyone has seen Gerard please let us and/or his family know.  He was last seen at Big Shitty at 3:17 a.m.
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E-mail two, the fun ruining real one.

SMG-Unit showed what they were made of Tuesday night in Grant Park.  In reference to above, there was a delay and the umpire was probably intoxicated.

After some shaky innings, the G-Unit prepared to kick ass and take names in the 6th inning by bringing the game within one.  In the 7th, the levy broke and the Unit took back what was rightfully theirs.  Starting with Jason's momentum changing, close single at the top of the inning things could only go up from there.  The Unit went on to smack the ball around the field for awhile, get aggressive on the bases, and trigger a gratifying Spark defensive meltdown.  Seven runs later, the dust cleared and G-Unit was victorious in a 14-8 W.

Proud interim coach, John I, was in tears after the game and wiping his eyes behind his bifocals.  It's possible that it was joy or that he was still embarrassed about his early wipe out in center field.  Because we "will never speak about this again" (his words) we may never know.

Highlights of the night were plentiful including Jon's excellent back up in right field (we're contesting that call), Turtle's triumphant return to the mount and mid-inning grass relaxation, and the multiple base hits by the G-Unit ladies.  Even quiet Jeff lasted a full 7 innings without any major altercations.  I guess having a girlfriend does calm you down. - http://www.cosmopolitan.com/quizzes-games/online-quiz/cosmo_quiz_are_you_ready_to_settle_down

Enjoying the victory, the team turned to one of the favorite parts of the night...killing the case of beer.  Claude and Sam competed in a photo finish shot gun competition.  Replay video is still pending but a repeat in Starbar will be held later this afternoon.  Lotus invites to go out shortly.

Finally, props to Nikki for fending off the umpire's advances at catcher.  He actually asked for your number after the game...I gave him Scott's.

Until next time G-Unit!  All we do is win!
Dot

House of Paign

I grew up a little over an hour from Champaign, Ill. home of the Big Ten's blue and orange clad Illini. At 24, and without living in the area for over six years, I consider myself a loose based fan but still hold an allegiance. And yes, I was outwardly pissed when Chief Illiniwek went away because some P.C. crackers said he was offensive. (I also realize how non-P.C. and offensive this last statement is. I do what I want!)

So last night I was pretty disappointed when my ranked team lost to Indiana's current lovable losers, the Hoosiers. This disappointment turned to disgust when I learned IU rushed the court. What? Really? Stop, just stop. However, as much as I aspire to express my hatred for this I will let ESPN's Rick Reilly do it for me. I have mixed feelings about Mr. Reilly, as I used to read him him every other week thanks to my accidental S.I. subscription, but believe he sold out at ESPN. Either way, let's do this Rick!

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This has got to stop. Therefore, here are the Ironclad and Unbreakable Rushing-the-Court Rules. From now on, you can NOT rush the court if …

• You’ve won an NCAA title in the past 20 years.
• You’ve been in the Final Four in the past five years.
• The team you just beat is not in the top three.
• Or is ranked within 15 rungs of you. (Somebody do the math for Wake.)
• Or is really a football school. This includes Florida, Texas and Ohio State. Get over it.
• You’ve beaten this same team in the past five years.
• You won the stupid game by more than 10 points. There is no such thing as a PRTC (Premeditated Rush The Court.)
• You’re a university and you just beat a college.
• Coach K comes to your coach’s clinic.
• You have a dead-mortal-lock lottery pick on your team.
• Your team has appeared in a recent “One Shining Moment.”

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Also, the article does take note about an Illini falter. "You [Illini] RTC'd when you beat No. 5 Michigan State this year. Even Illinois legend Dee Brown was cringing. He tweeted: "No no no no! … We are Illinois! Winning should be normal."

Let me have no fun while I sit in the seat and judge you.  Because oh, I will.

What I'm Thankful For

Back to the grind!  I hate that term.  Only 3.2 weeks of work until Christmas break.

For realsies though, it's almost December and this morning I accepted the fact that a cold Chicago winter is inevitable.  As if there is any other kind.  In reflection of the holiday, here is a list of things I am thankful for in somewhat of an order.  Family first, then everything else!

• Being my Dad's sidekick when I am home.  Sporting events, Wal-Mart three times in one day, Cracker Barrel?  Works for me and padre.
• My brother and the next Peter Gammons, Ryan!  (Please see resemblance below.)  I imagine Ryan will age better than Peter but that's neither here nor there.  Catch his front page story, here SIU Daily Egyptian 

•  That after viewing the effects of my mom taking vitamins I decided they all negate each other and, in conclusion, cause unnecessary napping.
• Casey, the boyfriend.  I forgot him in the first publish of this post.  We spend a solid amount of our time making fun of strangers...and each other.  When he buys me flowers for the second time (ever) I might buy him a helicopter.
  
• Returning to Chicago after a long train ride and riding in the cab home.  Seeing the lights of the city and personally being part of the skyline is an outstanding experience.
• On the Chicago note, not being a Bears fan.  For real, they are awful.
• To piggyback off THAT, not being a Cubs fan.  Go Cardinals! Less than 100 days until pitchers and catchers report.  My winters are so lonely.
  

• Lady Gaga.  "If I'm a guy and I think Lady Gaga is incredibly talented, am I gay?" The answer is no.
• Kitten Mittens
• Glee and 30 Rock.  I, like, really enjoy those shows.
  
• Being incredibly better looking than the mutants that shop in Southern Illinois at 5 a.m. on Black Friday.  Straight from Dante's seventh ring of HELL, they resembled Sloth from the Goonies.  I will not stand in line with these freaks for a $79 Blu-Ray player.
  

The end.

Shameless Plug & opinions about options.

Here I am, promoting one of my favorite sports writers. Also, defending.
Ryan Voyles, my youngest brother.

Ryan is the sports editor for Southern Illinoi University's Daily Egyptian newspaper covering football, basketball and softball. He also writes a blurb, entitled Voyles' Visions whenever the mood strikes him. Recently he wrote an article entitled Ode to WNBA. I will not summarize it because I expect you to click that link. Within days, he received a 791 word response to his 590 word article. This frantic, middle-aged, feminist (and self-proclaimed journalist) proceeded to bash him not only as a writer, but personally as well. Furthermore, she failed to comprehend Ryan's comparisons of women's sports at the collegiate level. Basically, she called him ignorant.

Well that's respectable.

Unfortunately, sometimes, the age of internet allows anyone with an opinion to share it. Bashing in forums and nasty comments are abundant. Even my dad had to report someone on a sports blog because he wrote a reply comment asking my dad where our home is located.
Nice, sir.

Opinions obviously keep nearly all conversations flowing, personally or over the internet. The difficulty with the internet is that anyone can hide behind a screen, rant and claim a level of professionalism that may or may not be accurate. In a personal conversation, no one expresses his opinion by rambling for 791 words. Nobody has time for that.

So Ryan, kudos to you for expressing your beliefs through a respected medium in what will be a rewarding career for you. And fodder for free lance (see: unemployed) writers everywhere.