G-g-g-g-Unit Steamrolls to a Victory

I was recently promoted to the official beat writer for my company 16" softball team and I am sharing this e-mails.  Last names and companies have not been included to protect the innocent.

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Hey G-Unit,

Apparently it's bad protocol to lie to the Tribune (lame) so today you get a two-in-one package of last night's scouting report.  First, the original hoax e-mail created to piss off our fearless leader and second, how awesome we are.  Enjoy.

E-mail one, the hoax.

The night was cool and the mountains on the Coors Lights blue as G-Unit rolled into Grant Park to take on sister agency, Booty Pants.  After a slightly awkward delay, involving a lack of Booty Pants, the game got going albeit only after the umpire drank 1.5 boxes of Jewel brand Cabernet.

Filling in as interim coach, Sgt. John I, led the team to an initial destroying of its competition.  Our feet were swift, our bats were mighty...then it came crashing to a halt.

Jeff, always one to keep it humble on the field, began a controlled argument with the seemingly drunk umpire.  Words were exchanged and a slight physical altercation occurred.  Jeff will be back next week pending physical examination of said umpire.  The rest of the game unfolded in Bad News Bears fashion as the Unit fell 15-17 after a slight massacre in the fifth.  Fortunately, casualties were few.  Resident lefty, Collin, was seen mumbling "don't text us about the lineup when you're on vacation...bull shit" as he threw the blue binder to the ground in disgust.  First base(wo)man, Colleen "Swissbeatz" was personally offended by the lack of hustle, proclaiming it for all of Grant Park to hear.

The Unit then drowned their sorrows in some post-game drinks at Shenanigans, followed by some Jennifer Grey dirty dancing at the Hangge Uppe. 

Also, if anyone has seen Gerard please let us and/or his family know.  He was last seen at Big Shitty at 3:17 a.m.
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E-mail two, the fun ruining real one.

SMG-Unit showed what they were made of Tuesday night in Grant Park.  In reference to above, there was a delay and the umpire was probably intoxicated.

After some shaky innings, the G-Unit prepared to kick ass and take names in the 6th inning by bringing the game within one.  In the 7th, the levy broke and the Unit took back what was rightfully theirs.  Starting with Jason's momentum changing, close single at the top of the inning things could only go up from there.  The Unit went on to smack the ball around the field for awhile, get aggressive on the bases, and trigger a gratifying Spark defensive meltdown.  Seven runs later, the dust cleared and G-Unit was victorious in a 14-8 W.

Proud interim coach, John I, was in tears after the game and wiping his eyes behind his bifocals.  It's possible that it was joy or that he was still embarrassed about his early wipe out in center field.  Because we "will never speak about this again" (his words) we may never know.

Highlights of the night were plentiful including Jon's excellent back up in right field (we're contesting that call), Turtle's triumphant return to the mount and mid-inning grass relaxation, and the multiple base hits by the G-Unit ladies.  Even quiet Jeff lasted a full 7 innings without any major altercations.  I guess having a girlfriend does calm you down. - http://www.cosmopolitan.com/quizzes-games/online-quiz/cosmo_quiz_are_you_ready_to_settle_down

Enjoying the victory, the team turned to one of the favorite parts of the night...killing the case of beer.  Claude and Sam competed in a photo finish shot gun competition.  Replay video is still pending but a repeat in Starbar will be held later this afternoon.  Lotus invites to go out shortly.

Finally, props to Nikki for fending off the umpire's advances at catcher.  He actually asked for your number after the game...I gave him Scott's.

Until next time G-Unit!  All we do is win!
Dot