Won't you be my neighbor?

I'm inspired by the site Dear Girls Above Me.  In celebration of three years of cohabitation with my heterosexual life mate, and one of my best friends, I'm writing an open letter to our past and present neighbors.

Dearest neighbors,

Let us take a few moments to thank you for shaping the history of the Fry - Voyles Château, 1 and 2.

First, to the girls living above us in 2008.  We were so excited about our first big girls' apartment post-graduation.  It was a palace in our eyes, with amenities close to the after college mecca, Wrigleyville, that allowed us to get the collegiate partying "out of our system" at the dreaded Clark St. JBC.

What we would have gave to get some fucking sleep that summer, on account of your 80's rock mix.  As much as we love Journey and Bon Jovi, would it have KILLED you to put your iTunes on shuffle once in awhile?  Another favorite is when you would listen to the first two minutes of the song, then start over, on repeat.

That same summer Coldplay released "Viva La Vida" and changed all our lives forever.  You loved that song...twenty times in a row at deafening decibels at all hours of the day and night.  Never mind our twisted schedules of work and sleep, we woke up and for some reason I can't explain / I know St. Peter won't call my name / Never an honest word / But that was when I ruled the world.  It was time to enact sick revenge.

About a week later, post-Cubs game and all day weekend binger, we rolled in around 2 a.m. and way past the point of regular adult motor skills.  Side thanks to mom and dad, for the gift of computer speakers with a separate bass large enough to fill our home with sound.  Dear neighbor, Micah and I will never forget plugging in those speakers, holding them to the ceiling, and pressing "play" therefore releasing an explosion of "Viva La Vida" directly at your floor.  Oh sure, we heard your foot or shoe or whatever that was pounding.  All ten minutes of it.  Drunkenly falling off a chair and risking bone breaks were totally worth it.

We didn't feel bad when you moved out.

Next up, to the girls living upstairs #2.  Sorry your living situation was shortened by the fact that you two bitches fought constantly, apparently fueled by serious arguments as "it's YOUR turn to buy the TOILET PAPER."  Unfortunately, you two also brought Karma in with you as you were another set of loud music players.  A little more alternative, with the Dave Matthews Band all the time.  Fortunately, we were experienced, and cut you off the passive aggressive way by coming straight up the stairs.  I hope the next neighbor that you ignore, the one buzzing and knocking, lights a fire under your door.

Me, fist sore from knocking, viewed by Micah and the bottom of the stairs: "Hey.  I'm your neighbor.  And I like Ants Marching, don't get me wrong.  I just don't want to hear it through my ceiling at 8 a.m."
You, terribly awkward and bothered: "All you had to do is ask."
Me, perturbed by your ignorance: "That's exactly what I'm doing.  Please stop."

Fortunately you both grew to hate each other and moved your belongings, including the KISS boots you all must have worn indoors, and put your shit in the building's courtyard until evening.  God help me, I prayed for rain all through that sunny day.

For the new neighbors at the new apartment, I'll save most of this for another time.  This means you: immature dudes upstairs with friends that piss on our front door, guy in sweatpants whom waters the sidewalk, drunk girl in a prom dress.  Most of all you, awkward short man and your Delia*s freak wife downstairs with the bat shit crazy dog.  Believe us, if your dog bites us in the middle of doing laundry again it will be drop kicked.  Yep, it's us who purposefully press our own buzzer to cause chaos and relish in delight as your pup goes into a thirty minute freak out session.  It's retribution for your music playing (really, is that a CELLO?!) in the make-shift conservatory below Micah's room.

Until next time neighbors.

Gratefully yours,
The residents of The Fry-Voyles Château
 Please note Lincoln Park change of address